Undoing New Year's Regrets

It's that time of year. Everybody wants to get fat again. Having dutifully obeyed their New Year's resolutions for the past month and half they have successfully lost their Christmas pounds, and have returned to their High School graduation slender. But now, mid-February, they realize they miss their weight. They miss the warmth. It's cold, and their thick, soft skin was a barrier against the tenacious wind. Also, they miss the chase. Everyone realizes at about this time that they need a goal, something to define them, something to keep them going. A Nemesis. And everyone realizes, at about this time, when they have become trim, svelte and fit, that their extra weight, their lethargic obesity, was their Moriarty- their reason to be. They defined themselves my their fat. And now that they worked it off, they want it back. Like one time when Dr. Octopus saved Spider man from certain doom, because he wanted to be the one to finally, impossibly, finish him off.
At around this time, right before Valentine's day, people ask me, Greg, they say, how can I gain weight? You, they say waving their hands around my person as if they were casting a spell and looking at my hips with unmasked wonder, you seem to have it down. You make it look so easy, they tell me. And I won't lie, I really do. I make it look easy. But I make it look that way, because it is. I know, I know, it's hard to believe. But you need to remember, these same people asking me my secret, had glorious gluttonous fat just months ago. oh! how quickly habits are changed.
But instead of rubbing people's faces in the their "six-packs," I'll remind people of some tried and true pound pointers that have continued to work for me. Now, I mentioned that it's easy, and that isn't all that fair. That's like telling a group of insomniacs it's easy to sleep, or a group of artists that math is easy. Somethings aren't easy for everyone, and I think weight gain and weight retention is something most people struggle with. Society is working against us.
Which brings us to the first pointer: because society is so unhelpful to the weight-gainer, you have to be creative. Think of your ideal weight, voluptuous, puddy like, as a symphony. One instrument would never do. To illustrate, I just went to the kitchen for a snack. I chose to cook myself a toaster strudel- they are fast, tasty, and full of both carbs and fat grams. It might seem like the perfect snack. But, and this is important, there is no such thing as a perfect snack, at least not on it's own. Fries are good, but they are better with gravy, cheese, and mayonnaise. Pizza is superb, but should never be ingested without thick applications of dipping sauce- and please none of this tomato sauce. Like dressing for cold weather, weight gain is all about layering. On my strudel for example, before I administered the frosting, I enrobed the pastry in a tongue-like layer of chocolate hazelnut spread. The result was like eating a chocolate, strawberry walrus.
This was my snack. You can only imagine what dinners are like. I'll give you a hint: they involve sweet and sour sauce, and crunchy meat that isn't naturally crunchy.
I was planning on giving more than one pointer, but I realize now that the steps towards chubby redemption begins with baby steps. Baby steps to the kitchen, baby steps to the fridge. Baby steps late at night and early in the dark morning. And make sure their baby steps, otherwise you might burn needed calories.