The Late Shift

I don't know whose idea it was to put a comic book store in a restaurant, but it doesn't work. Especially since the racks of comics, some of them looking pretty exciting, were set up where the servers picked up the food from the kitchen. In fact, the entire layout of the restaurant was a little odd. It descended like a cliff becoming a beach, like something you might see out of American Gladiators. The dining room was on level ground, then the kitchen rose gradually, and on plateaus of varying degrees were food stations from which you would get either a salad, or a inexplicably a bowl of peanut butter. It's amazing that anybody got any of their food to their tables with this set up. Especially since whenever you turned your back on a food item you were trying to get to your table, an old, curmudgeonly European lady would steal and throw away whatever it was you were needing.
Yes, i worked at this restaurant. All night. Sleeping is supposed to be a relaxing time. And sometimes it is. But other times you close your eyes after a long, caffeine-riddled shift at earl's and suddenly you are back at earl's, only everything is going wrong and the restaurant looks more like the set of Hollywood Squares than anything you've worked at. But of course that doesn't phase you in your dream. that's completely normal.
What is slightly less normal is how your table, really friendly older people obviously a variation of a some regulars you served a few hours ago in reality, got their entrees before they got their appetizers, when you, their server didn't ring any of their order in at all.
Which is when i apologize and go to the mountain that is the kitchen, looking to complete their order, which for some reason involves a tiny bowl of peanut butter, before they get too annoyed and decide not to tip me.
This earls-mare was so powerful i went back to it twice after forcing myself awake. My brain really wasn't ready to let my shift go.
Maybe it's because my internship at opulence is already a nightmare of disappointed possibilities, or maybe it's because not even my subconscious can figure out how to derive surreal stress from sitting at a computer all day writing about poor television shows, but i still haven't had a nightmare about my internship.
Which is too bad, I'm getting tired of the extra shifts at earl's. I'd rather be reading those comics of my dreams.

A Danger to Your Children

This isn’t news. In fact, this article should have been written a long time ago. I’m sure ones like it have, which is good. The issue I’m addressing needs as many voices as possible. This might be late, but it needs to be said. My rage may be new, but it is fervent, glowing, and righteous. I loath Everybody Loves Raymond.





As far as I can tell there are three interrelated reasons why Everybody Loves Raymond is the worst television program in history, despite its longevity, popularity, and seeming omnipresence.
First, and most blatant, is simply that it isn’t funny. It’s supposed to be, but it isn’t. It fails. Now, I’m by no means a Raymond connoisseur, thank heaven, I haven’t seen every episode. I don’t think I’ve seen five. But really, how many chances are you supposed to give a program? Be wary of any television show with a laugh track. If you need a prompting to know what’s funny, chances are it isn’t.
(Seinfeld may be the only surefire exception.)
Secondly, and this is correlated to the above, it is repetitive. It has a formula and it sticks to it like a Pharisee. Every episode is a tradition that can’t be disturbed. This makes for horribly insulting television.
In the office where I sit, they were just waxing nostalgic about other TV programs from their childhood. Three’s Company came up. I never liked it. The golden colours, the faded sets, the unrecognizable hairdos, the palpable sexual innuendos that I wasn’t quite able to grasp, all combined to make me feel embarrassed and slightly guilty whenever I tried to watch it while waiting for Batman: the Animated Series to come start on RDTV. But John Ridder’s break out television vehicle was still important to me. I remember it distinctly as the first show I saw where I was able to recognize a clear formula. Without a doubt, the shows that I had been watching previous to, and around the same time as Three’s Company equally relied on formulas- I don’t think Growing Pains, The Facts of Life, or Visionaries were bastions of television creativity, but some reason I didn’t notice any formulas until Three’s Company. Always there was a misunderstanding with zany repercussions, always somebody misheard somebody else, always there was a crisp resolution in the 22 minutes allotted. In a way, Three’s Company helped awaken my media consciousness and me as a critic and writer.
Maybe Everybody Loves Raymond will have that kind of back handed benefit for some other child, because heaven knows it is ten times worse than any Three’s Company farce.
Finally, I’m not usually one for using this argument against entertainment of any kind. I usually feel that if a film, or a television show, or even a magazine is offensive to any group than that group should just ignore it, because one should never seek to impose their values on others. My conception of family doesn’t necessarily comprise of a whacking people and infidelity, but who am I to judge. I simply won’t watch. But sometimes a program airs that is so detrimental to any and all definitions of family values that to ignore it is tantamount to destroying the very structure of the family- any family. Everybody Loves Raymond is such an offender.
Ironically, because of the inclusion of Caucasian, heterosexual extended family, and the exclusion of naughty words, Everybody Loves Raymond has always been seen as a family friendly show. It’s on all day, on any channel. The kids never have to leave the room.
But they should. The should.
Despite the sheer lack of any minority, ethnic or otherwise, which can only lead to small mindedness and dangerous cultural naivety, Raymond displays a constant assaults to the happy home. The very formula, the one that makes the show not funny, is fighting. The marriage we see isn’t happy. Raymond can’t communicate, his wife only gets offended. Extended family is intrusive and inappropriately involved in their affairs. Both husband and wife are compulsively selfish, mean, competitive. They are either ruining the other’s big plans or punishing the other for doing so. There is no respect for mothers, father, or each other. Theirs, fictional though it may be, is a home full of judgment, sarcasm, and impatience. Everything a home, of any conception, shouldn’t be.
I’d rather my child of the future watch a show about the crazy hijinks of a transsexual, single father raising his prostitute, crack addict daughter, so long as there is genuine respect and love on display, than them catching a glimpse of the passive aggressive undermining comedy of Everybody Loves Raymond. Because despite what some might contend you are affected by what you watch. And I’ve seen a home influenced by Everybody Loves Raymond, and it’s the saddest place in the world.

Every Five Minutes

Back in high school, our acting classes were in a long orange room beside the theatre. On one end of the room the wall was lined with mirrors. Presumably, performers need mirrors to check their posture, their breathing, or to follow a teacher in warm up. I needed it to check myself out. I could not walk past that mirror without looking at myself. It’s like I was worried I was becoming a vampire, and I needed constant reassurance of my mirror manifesting mortality. I think mostly I was actually just intrigued, like an infant, by myself. I wondered what everyone else saw when they saw me, so I would check. And check often.
One friend secretly counted one day. Seventeen times. I checked on my reflection seventeen times in an hour. If my math doesn't fail me, that's about once every four minutes. That's right; I couldn't go five minutes without a glance in the mirror. I still maintain that, although checking oneself out 17 times is pretty pathetic, it isn't as lame as stalking someone for an entire class, counting how many times they've checked themselves out.
I ask, who was more obsessed?
I would like to think my seemingly self obsessed habit was more about validation than infatuation. It wasn't that I loved myself or the way I looked, what teenager does. It was more out of insecurity than vanity. Surrounded by people, most of them girls, and mostly girls that at any given time I had a crush on, I needed to check if I was still presentable. If I was still okay. The reflection would tell me where I was and whether I was worthy of attention. All I needed to know.
There are no mirrors at my office. But there is Facebook. If I were to only check my profile seventeen times in an hour that would be a miracle of restraint. I need to. I need to look at my picture and read what anybody wrote to me. I need to see if I’m still worthy of attention.

Who Am I?

The tales of of my boring internship continue.

Not usually one to try silly gimmicks advertised on random Facebook accounts, I'm feeling a little ashamed that i even tried this. I had a negative experience with the now completely overdone celebrity look-a-like page, made so famous by my niece's apparent uncanny resemblance to the late Martin Luther King Jr.- i was skeptical of the clearly lame "what superhero are you" quiz. Frankly, I doubted that the revelation that i was clearly Nightwing would have any effect on how well i knew myself. Plus, all the other people who had it on there site used the results as a substitute for their own wit. But, on the other hand it offered me the prospect of thinking more about superheroes while i was sitting doing nothing but waiting at this silly desk.
So, I took the test.
It asked questions with predictable meanings- like what power would you like most to have, then it listed abilities like strength, speed, flight. One choice said something like "No powers, just cool gadgets." please. clearly that's a big flashing arrow pointing to Batman. I fought off the urge to answer the quiz teleologically, that is with the end in site. I was honest. What Superhero would this quiz, clearly diffinitive at diagnosing the metahuman proclivities of mere mortals, bestow like a totem on me?



That's right. Wonder Woman. That's what i get for being honest. I get to be told by some computer program that i am most like an amazonian princess whose native garb serendipitously is also emblematic of the United States of America.
I should of taken the test like Mary and I used to take the tests in Seventeen magazine. We were also Perfect Pals, or Even Headed Hotties or something.




So I tried it again. and i made sure that i came out Batman.

How upset should i be that i'm spending my time thinking about batmen and wonder women when i should be learning about the inner workings of magazine journalism? And i am upset. but then i think wwwwd? what would wonder woman do. and i feel a whole lot better.

On Sacrifice

To dream is to be a Hudson. If I could somehow show you what my internship was going to like according to the many day dreams I had about it before coming home to Calgary, you would weep. Not because they were so beautiful, although they were, but because they differ to poignantly from reality.
I envisioned a high rise downtown. Our office is in an almost decrepit business park, in the shadow of Chinook Mall, surrounded by auto parts stores and gravel.
I saw offices bathed in sunlight from the many windows, some shaded by contemporary frosting. I work in a corner of a room under door frames that aren't done being painted.

And when I say i work, what I mean is I sit at my desk, beaten to death and depression by boredom.

And that's the biggest discrepancy of all. It's not my surroundings that discourage me. It's not the setting, it's the plot. I knew I wouldn't be paid, but at least, I thought, I would work. Instead, I wake up early, get to work, and sit. I read web pages, I look for story ideas, I check my email, and I sit. And sitting next to me is the realization that I am sacrificing the potential to earn summer money for nothing.

I'm slitting my bank account at the throat in the prescribed manner, but the god of "experience and resume" isn't listening.

Today, I was almost jealous of the construction worker who boarded the train with me.

Almost.

my high school sweetheart: magazines

i had to write a letter explaining why I want to be in Magazine at Ryerson. there are a limited number of spaces in the magazine stream. If i don't get in, i won't be heartbroken. Lately, i've loved broadcast. Rachel, wonderful girl that she is, pointed out that if it's right my career would end up in broadcast anyway. So i might as well study what i think is the most fun. i hope that comes across.This is what i wrote:

In 2005, a 22-year-old kid from Alberta came to Ryerson with small hands and big dreams. After spending the last two years pounding the pavement, meeting rejection upon rejection as a zealous Mormon missionary, Greg was ready for a change. He was ready to be trained in a job that would bring him unquestioned respect and relaxation. Wisely, he chose Journalism. He would be an anchor somewhere. Actually, he would be a fake anchor, dealing in fake news a la Jon Stewart. This was his dream. It would bring fame, fortune, and constant accolades from the fawning liberal media. He couldn’t wait.
Almost everything about that has changed in the past year, except sadly the size of my hands. Originally, I had thought that I would, as implied, venture into the broadcast stream, and whether ironically or not, inform Canadians via television. I don’t know if my dreams are less lofty now, but they are hopefully more realistic. I want to write for magazines. The great thing is this excites me just the same.
Thinking back, it’s odd that I would have been so eager for broadcast coming in to Ryerson. Sure, I watched the news, but I took my greatest pleasure from reading magazines. I loved GQ, Esquire, Details, Mclean’s, and Toro. I would watch television news because it was on, almost passively. But I would seek out magazines. And not just because of the possibility of seeing a pretty girl amidst the articles. I liked that feature length articles seemed to have personality, depth, and answers. Magazines somehow achieved the oft sought after balance between fun and informative. And they did it subtly. So subtly that I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be a part of magazine creation until I got to practice it.
This year, assignment after assignment in my feature class would come and I wouldn’t stress in the least. I would worry. I actually enjoyed it. I think there are a couple of reasons for that. Firstly, it was liberating. I could write longer sentences, be flashier, more literary. I could have the style that I struggled, joyfully, to suppress in print. And second, I was good at it. I could tell not just by the marks I would get, but by how my pieces were received by my peers, and most especially by how I felt about them. I enjoyed every aspect of their creation, and reveled in their consumption.
I think the best example of this was with my profile. I didn’t write about anyone famous. A fellow I knew, who was a street performer and motivational speaker. He also happened to be going through a major crisis of faith and tragic divorce (most divorces are). I wrote the first paragraph and I knew it was powerful. It was something that couldn’t have been written in print, and would have been cheapened on camera. I loved it.
I still think broadcast is a possibility for me. Recently I’ve discovered talents in that area that have almost persuaded me to go in that direction- ask Jagg, I’m not just bragging. But, in the end, I think magazine will be filled with more constant enjoyment than broadcast- except for maybe radio, which to me is like the broadcast’s old-school version of magazine. Because I want my schooling to be fun, both marks wise and activity wise, I am sticking with magazine. It’s the type of journalism I’ve loved the longest, even if I didn’t realize it. Like a high school sweetheart.
I secured an internship with Opulence magazine in Calgary this summer. It used to be called Calgary Living, but apparently it got a raise. I’m excited. I hope that it won’t be disillusioning; that I’ll come back in the fall eager to begin my studies in the magazine stream, with experience, insight and bid dreams. And of course, small hands.

Remembering Captain America

By no means do I want to minimize the tragedy of Steve Roger's death. Captain America was an American icon. Although I never cared for his comic personally, or his character until recently, I have lately realized that I should have. Somehow Captain America blended the attributes of Batman and Superman in one person. He was the perfect boy scout, unfailingly hopeful, and of course patriotic, like Superman (who is actually an immigrant to the states. Although he is a legal alien), and yet he was just a man, he performed his heroics without the aid of invulnerability, flight, or adamantium claws or spidey senses. He was just a man who could out-think and out-manoeuvre his enemies. Like Batman.
But now he is dead.
Luckily, north America still has some patriotic guardian: the lesser known, clearly ripped-off, Captain Canuck. (Don't get me started about what that hero says about our Canadian culture. I would prefer to remember that Superman was half created by a Canadian, or remember that Wolverine is from my home province.)
Until Steve Rogers returns, which is bound to happen, no hero ever truly dies- look at Superman (died in 1993), or Jesus (died 33 A.d.). Captain America will come back. It's inevitable. Because he represents America and America can't be conquered. And what better hero to die in a pitch to sell more comics than the embodiment of American Capitalism itself.
May you rest in Peace Captain America. Hopefully you won't be gone for long. But until your return, remember that Captain Canuck has got things covered.
But it won't be as flashy.

Undoing New Year's Regrets

It's that time of year. Everybody wants to get fat again. Having dutifully obeyed their New Year's resolutions for the past month and half they have successfully lost their Christmas pounds, and have returned to their High School graduation slender. But now, mid-February, they realize they miss their weight. They miss the warmth. It's cold, and their thick, soft skin was a barrier against the tenacious wind. Also, they miss the chase. Everyone realizes at about this time that they need a goal, something to define them, something to keep them going. A Nemesis. And everyone realizes, at about this time, when they have become trim, svelte and fit, that their extra weight, their lethargic obesity, was their Moriarty- their reason to be. They defined themselves my their fat. And now that they worked it off, they want it back. Like one time when Dr. Octopus saved Spider man from certain doom, because he wanted to be the one to finally, impossibly, finish him off.
At around this time, right before Valentine's day, people ask me, Greg, they say, how can I gain weight? You, they say waving their hands around my person as if they were casting a spell and looking at my hips with unmasked wonder, you seem to have it down. You make it look so easy, they tell me. And I won't lie, I really do. I make it look easy. But I make it look that way, because it is. I know, I know, it's hard to believe. But you need to remember, these same people asking me my secret, had glorious gluttonous fat just months ago. oh! how quickly habits are changed.
But instead of rubbing people's faces in the their "six-packs," I'll remind people of some tried and true pound pointers that have continued to work for me. Now, I mentioned that it's easy, and that isn't all that fair. That's like telling a group of insomniacs it's easy to sleep, or a group of artists that math is easy. Somethings aren't easy for everyone, and I think weight gain and weight retention is something most people struggle with. Society is working against us.
Which brings us to the first pointer: because society is so unhelpful to the weight-gainer, you have to be creative. Think of your ideal weight, voluptuous, puddy like, as a symphony. One instrument would never do. To illustrate, I just went to the kitchen for a snack. I chose to cook myself a toaster strudel- they are fast, tasty, and full of both carbs and fat grams. It might seem like the perfect snack. But, and this is important, there is no such thing as a perfect snack, at least not on it's own. Fries are good, but they are better with gravy, cheese, and mayonnaise. Pizza is superb, but should never be ingested without thick applications of dipping sauce- and please none of this tomato sauce. Like dressing for cold weather, weight gain is all about layering. On my strudel for example, before I administered the frosting, I enrobed the pastry in a tongue-like layer of chocolate hazelnut spread. The result was like eating a chocolate, strawberry walrus.
This was my snack. You can only imagine what dinners are like. I'll give you a hint: they involve sweet and sour sauce, and crunchy meat that isn't naturally crunchy.
I was planning on giving more than one pointer, but I realize now that the steps towards chubby redemption begins with baby steps. Baby steps to the kitchen, baby steps to the fridge. Baby steps late at night and early in the dark morning. And make sure their baby steps, otherwise you might burn needed calories.

a super man of the people

I spoke of Heroes, and i know of what i speak.

On dissapointment

These past few days had the potential to be the greatest days of my young, trivial life. But, like the my own grade seven self, it turned out to be an example of depressed, wasted potential. I set up false gods, and I was rebuked, my temple crumbled around me.
A defining characteristic of Greg is his tendency to set up idols, to get stuck on certain people and topics, like a passionate broken record. (now the interesting thing about defining characteristics is they are completely up to the definer. I claim to be fan, but when confronted with greater fans, I shake my head in pity, like a guy speeding on the highway: everyone slower than him is a paranoid granny, and everyone passing him is reckless. - I get passionate about things, but not that passionate, that's all I'm saying.) And this week almost saw the coming together of three of my personal planets. But, somehow the stars got crossed, and tragedy ensued.
I should clarify. To say that three of my jags almost came together makes it sound as if Micheal Jackson somehow resurrected Pierre Trudeau, both dressed up like Dick Tracy, and performed on the Daily Show. This wasn't the case, and those are old examples, as any real Greg fans would know. All one of me. Although to be fair, that would be a show to watch.
I had met a fellow from HarperCollins publishing, and upon telling him my favorite author was one of his, he agreed kindly to give an advance reader's copy of Michael Chabon's new novel, The Yiddish Policemen's Union (may 2007). I metaphorically peed my pants. and literally i think i managed to only let out a few fanatic drops of urine.
Next, I had tickets to a filming of the Colbert Report for Monday, and the plan was to go to New York with some friends over the weekend and come back to the Toronto in time for the Justin Timberlake concert, which I had theoretical tickets for.
I did in fact receive the book. And it has been delightful, challenging and comforting. But my plan to read it on the road while i travelled the stretch of highway, floating from one fantasy realization to another, fell apart. It's sad that the whole world doesn't conform to my whims, especially university schedules and custom officers. My friends couldn't make the trip, which made my going to the Big Apple economically unfeasible, and the tickets with which i would witness the return of Sexy to T.O. were stopped at the border and UPS-ed back to their source.
Hopes are dangerous. Apart from not living up to its potential, there was nothing necessarily wrong about this week, but because of the disappointing string of shattered possibilities, the last few days kind of sucked. So why hope?
Now, I know not going to see a former teen idol shouldn't be the cause for me to write off a cardinal virtue, but it does illustrate the risk involved. The same risk that comes with love, and faith. Maybe that's why those virtues are apparently so important, they have the potential to cause the greatest personal pain on the flip side of their salvation.
Also, I know my desires were trivial. They weren't life changing, I hope. And because of that, there is no real sympathy. Being a fan is a personal endeavor, regardless of what legions matching men stacked into a stadium, or screaming women at raising their hands at the dancers on stage might believe. We worship en mass, but the devotion is personal. And as such, it is a personal hurt when that devotion is compromised. No one can really, truly empathize without a hint of feigned pity that comes off a bit patronizing. And maybe if my idols weren't so momentary, the empathy would be more real. The empathy, I hope, matches the crime. And a concert and show doesn't last all that long.
And when Jesus comes back, tickets to that show won't be lost in the mail. Now, I just need to find hope for that.

On Heroes

There are certain television programs that capture the imagination of a generation. I remember when I was rolling in my pre-pubescence, with bleached hair and pimples lining my upper lip, one of my older sisters was devoted to The X-files. She was in university, the golden demographic, and she watched the show religiously every Sunday night. She may have even taped some episodes for further study. I don't remember. That show was dark and brooding, it oozed skepticism and distrust towards authority, and it held a promise that there was something greater, something "out there," always ambiguously out of reach. And of course, there was loads of sexual tension. It was the show that defined my sister's generation. They were dark and brooding. They didn't trust authority. They knew their government was holding back from them, and the truth was out there. Can't you just feel the gen-x angst?
My people don't watch The X-files. We have our own angst fuelled television show. We have 24. All the scepticism, but heightened for a post-9/11 world. And we've substituted some of the extemporaneous sexual tension for toe-curling violence and high tension torture scenes.
Now, I'm not a huge fan of 24. I mean, I watch it, but I don't need to watch it. I don't tape it, or go to 24 parties. I don't blog about it...shoot. What I'm saying is that I recognize it as part of my generation, and I appreciate it, but I'm not about to join the cult of Bauer. (Although it would be cool to say i was born in the year of the Bauer, instead of the Boar. That would be a witty headline...anyone anyone).
Truth be told, I'm more in to Batman.
But, and this is the point of this entry, Batman and Jack Bauer are one in the same.
I'm not saying that Jack Bauer dresses up in a cape and cowl and defends Gotham under the mantle of the Bat. That would be preposterous, we all know that's Bruce Wayne. What I'm saying is, as far as pretentious cultural symbols go, Batman and Bauer are the same. But if that's true, what does that say about pop icons epitomizing their generations? Batman was created in the late thirties, and Jack six years ago? It only proves the point that no generation is really all that unique. We only differ insomuch as out culturally defining heroes differ. But do they differ at all? Let's strap on some plastic frame glasses, let our hair lines recede, and wear some sports coat, while we sip hip tea and find out shall we?
One might argue that they differ a great deal. Although their general purpose of ridding the world of terror and crime are similar, Batman feels the need to wear tights and a mask while doing it, whereas Jack Bauer prefers designer jeans and expensive, yet scruffy looking shirts - that hoodie/army jacket number from last season was amazing. Who can judge who looks better while doing their job- Jack might benefit from a good acid resistant cape every now and then, but mask might get in the way of his cell phone use, and blue jeans would inhibit Batman's high flying ninja moves.
Also, it could be noted that they differ in their relation to the law. Jack is a part of the federal bureaucracy, an employee, regardless of how heroic, of the government. Batman is strictly a vigilante. He works outside the law. Sure, he and commissioner Gordon have well developed working relationship, but he's not on the payroll. He's Batman.
That being said, is it really fair to say that Mr. Bauer works within the confines of the law? perhaps technically, but morally? He and the caped crusader are both vigilantes in that regard. Where Batman drops thugs off buildings, catching them at the last second before impact, to loosen their tongues, Jack uses torture: knives in kneecaps, removal of digits, plastic wrap over faces. Which is worse? Who can say? Both get the job done by relying heavily on fear(and a bit of physical trauma). What that says about our culture is impressive. Our Heroes operate by fear, because our world is a scary world, a world where a Hero must transcend certain levels of decency in order to preserve the greater good.
Also, both icons are solitary figures at first glance, but in actuality are surrounded by an extensive support system. When we think of Batman, we usually in the same metaphoric breath think of Robin, his insanely precocious, eternally adolescent sidekick, but we often miss the invaluable aid of Batman's trusted butler, Alfred. He would be nowhere without Alfred. And, for those of the more fanatically nerdy persuasion, Batman has his league of Bat-family minions, whose roster changes and ebbs through the years. You got your Nightwings, your Bat-girls, your Oracles, your Catwomans'. All of them support our hero. As for Jack, he has his disposable team members from CTU- your Tony's, your Chloe's, your Milo's, your Bill Buchanan's. How terrifically poignant that both heroes need support. Truly, whether a masked hero, or a highly trained, deadly government secret operative, no one can make it alone.
Perhaps the most significant similarity is that both of these heroes perform their heroics without the aid of superpowers. Somehow they have trained to be the strongest, quickest, most cunning among their peers. They represent the power of humankind, are symbols of humanity's potential, the extent we can push these bodies of ours. That is what connects them to us, mere mere mortals, they defend us, but ultimately they are us.
We've picked these heroes to define us. Batman has been around for decades, but he has admittedly lost some popularity over time. Jack, on the other keeps getting stronger and stronger. So, are our generational defining heroes actually the same? They answer, in typical pretentious fashion is a resounding, "well, yes and no."
They are cut from the same cloth, the same spandex, but as our world has gotten more terrifying, more violent, our hero has adapted. This must sadden Batman. Which is a pity, because he isn't the happiest fellow to begin with. What makes Batman Batman, isn't the prefix of the Bat. It's his determination to cling to that last syllable of his name. He is a man, and as we've seen over the decades he refuses to abandon his humanity. He will never sink to the level of the criminals he catches. He's never kill. He'll never use a gun. He's above that, somehow, he remains above that.
Jack Bauer isn't. He tortures. He shoots- really well, even while running or in the dark, and he isn't about to stop now because he's running out of time. So their methods will forever separate them, but their function and morality will always bind them as one. Because even with all that killing, Jack somehow manages to have an unerring moral code, regardless of how utilitarian it is. We need Heroes like that. Ones who sacrifice and survive, who wrap themselves up in our fears and darkness, and protects us from them.
And maybe Batman's is dated, his methods unrealistic for our day; maybe even in his darkness and shadows, he's too idealistic to define this generation and it's enemies. And maybe that's a truly sad thought.
But he could still kick Jack Bauer's ass.
Because he's Batman.

In a Crowd

I don't go to sporting events all that often. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that the identity I chose to adopt when I was going through puberty was strictly non-athletic. Which is kind of a pity because, according to my mother I have the perfect build for swimming, baseball, pole-vault, shotput, and probably tennis, basket-ball volleyball and soccer. Oh, and football. And wrestling. Such wasted potential. The few times I've gone to a Jays game here in Toronto, or happened upon a random basketball game involving my little sister, I've kind of liked it. I didn't feel a nostalgic sense of regret, a longing to be involved, but it provided a good show.
It's infectious how quickly the shouts, cheers and taunts come. I would watch these games with no real emotional investment at all, and yet I would be cheering and shouting like a pro. Like my dreams were coming true and I were relishing every moment of it. I'll admit, part of me was doing it ironically. I'm making a joke with myself, and as always, I think I'm a laugh riot, even if everyone else thinks I'm just a devoted fan- which, secretly, and pathetically, makes it even funnier.
I especially liked to shout conversational encouragement, or use cliche English essay language.
"Despite the failure of your earlier attempts," I'd call, hands cupped around my mouth, "I feel impressed to conjecture that your subsequent pitches will be met with success." I'd continue, still shouting, "Nevertheless, If I'm wrong and a strike out eludes you, It is important to stress that I will still believe in you." I'd repeat that last bit. In fact, "I believe in you" is my absolute cheer.
But, you know what, I don't think my cheering made any difference to the outcome of the game. I don't think the players heard a word of my encouragement, they missed its eloquence. And I probably annoyed the actual fans beside me. I realized this was equally true whether I was among thousands at a baseball game, or among twenty a community league bout. Cheering isn't heard by anyone. Shouting in a crowd of shouters is futile.
But it feels nice to think maybe you'll get attention. It feels important. And just making noise is communal. It connects you with other shouters, even though you somehow remain anonymous and alone. Which is why I'm posting this. I'm shouting my name at a concert, thinking maybe someone will hear me.
Plus, all the cool kids have blogs. And i don't want to be unemployable.